I Tea Bagged Ann Coulter

For many a rational American male, it has been a long-time goal to tea bag Ann Coulter. Her controversial and often times hate mongering statements have made her a best-seller on book shelves, on TV and radio, through public speaking, in op-ed pieces in major newspapers, and in the dirty thoughts that often linger in my head.

God, just for one time, could I get with a tall, pretentious blond whom pawns off narrow-minded viewpoints as erudition of the world. I can't put this any other way. Sorry if I offend you. But damn it, I want to have angry sex with Ann Coulter. Just once. In the morning, we'll swing by the Hardees for an Egg and Bacon sandwich and some Minute Maid OJ. And never again will I call her back.

Yesterday, on April 15Th Tax Day, completely unintended by the inner workings of my head...I got one step closer to my dream. Among the hype of the truly grassroots campaign that was the 4/15/09 Tea Party, during my mid-day nap, I tea-bagged Ann Coulter!

While laying in my queen-sized bed I got from two gay guys for free and with CNN playing at a low-to-moderate volume in the background, the word "tea bag" kept creeping into my dreams as they reported on protestors protesting. Something. I think. Another word --because CNN was actually reporting on various FOX News personalities and camera crews to cover the events throughout the country -- "conservative commentators" also crept into my mind.

For some odd reason, the translation that was processed in my cerebral cortex was not of a Lipton tea bag, but of my balls. And instead of imagining various conservative commentators such as Sean Hannity or Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter appeared. And for some reason, in black lingerie.

When my balls and Ann Coulter met, no conversation of any sort ensued. No hot button gay marriage-type issues to argue over. No condemnation on my end for a communication and marketing method of hyping people up by playing into their weaknesses and ignorances simply to make a buck. None of that.

Simply my balls on Ann Coulter. In my dreams, and this is absolutely true, I tea bagged Ann Coulter.

My apologies to Yellowcard for the song follow-up to an Ann Coulter blog...the setting of this song (and the title) are in my hometown, Jax, FL:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFmdjvR1bYI

No Need To Beat Around The Bush

No, the headline wasn't intended to be a dirty joke for once. Although, sexual innuendos are usually peppered throughout my prose.

The best part to come out of the economic crisis is watching people self-actualize. Screw comfort...take risk. Screw cudgels...be straight up.

I'm a big fan of those people who wear shirts that say, "Hire Me." I hate to admit it, but in some ways, that person deserves a job over me. It takes some balls I suppose to wear that, and at least based on that, he or she wants it more.

I have this problem. I'm apprehensive a lot of times. I like to handle things and deal with people in a nice way. I also don't like to be sure of myself. Because I'm worried that by being so sure of myself, I close off questioning. And questioning can be very valuable.

So there's got to be a middle ground I think. Or at least, times to be sure and times to question. Oh, a time...

Maybe the best answer or at least the most logical one lies in the depths of honesty. How do I feel? And why do I feel it? If I can interpret and understand this, maybe I can make the wisest decision.

The other part to it is balls. And maybe this isn't as rational. Guts. Fortitude. Whatever. It's the ability to not give in to impending embarrassment.

Last week, I did a comedy show where the comedian before went up and trashed a bunch of the other comedians for not listening to each other's set. They stood outside and chatted it up. They left after their own set. This comedian also made sure to have the emcee announce that he was performing at the Improv the following Thursday, as if the 8 people left in the room (including myself) really cared.

Now, did the comedian have a point? Maybe. But why trash everybody in an open mic night that has 25 comedians on the bill in a room that is only comedians. Many had heard each other's sets. Also, no one gets paid for these open mics. People have to pay rent. Point or no point, this guy was harsh.

So, what did I do? Maybe not making the most conscious decision, but not being scared to fight back a little, the first thing I said was, "that guy was kind of a dick." Now, that may have not been the best decision for me. I made a small room feel a little more awkward. I also probably made enemies with this guy. But guess what? The guy was being a dick. It wasn't pretty. But I said my peace. Better than holding back. Next time, I'll be more articulate maybe. I'll address it in a different way. But at least I didn't beat around the bush.