I Tea Bagged Ann Coulter

For many a rational American male, it has been a long-time goal to tea bag Ann Coulter. Her controversial and often times hate mongering statements have made her a best-seller on book shelves, on TV and radio, through public speaking, in op-ed pieces in major newspapers, and in the dirty thoughts that often linger in my head.

God, just for one time, could I get with a tall, pretentious blond whom pawns off narrow-minded viewpoints as erudition of the world. I can't put this any other way. Sorry if I offend you. But damn it, I want to have angry sex with Ann Coulter. Just once. In the morning, we'll swing by the Hardees for an Egg and Bacon sandwich and some Minute Maid OJ. And never again will I call her back.

Yesterday, on April 15Th Tax Day, completely unintended by the inner workings of my head...I got one step closer to my dream. Among the hype of the truly grassroots campaign that was the 4/15/09 Tea Party, during my mid-day nap, I tea-bagged Ann Coulter!

While laying in my queen-sized bed I got from two gay guys for free and with CNN playing at a low-to-moderate volume in the background, the word "tea bag" kept creeping into my dreams as they reported on protestors protesting. Something. I think. Another word --because CNN was actually reporting on various FOX News personalities and camera crews to cover the events throughout the country -- "conservative commentators" also crept into my mind.

For some odd reason, the translation that was processed in my cerebral cortex was not of a Lipton tea bag, but of my balls. And instead of imagining various conservative commentators such as Sean Hannity or Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter appeared. And for some reason, in black lingerie.

When my balls and Ann Coulter met, no conversation of any sort ensued. No hot button gay marriage-type issues to argue over. No condemnation on my end for a communication and marketing method of hyping people up by playing into their weaknesses and ignorances simply to make a buck. None of that.

Simply my balls on Ann Coulter. In my dreams, and this is absolutely true, I tea bagged Ann Coulter.

My apologies to Yellowcard for the song follow-up to an Ann Coulter blog...the setting of this song (and the title) are in my hometown, Jax, FL:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFmdjvR1bYI